Practice Speaking Up for Yourself

When I’ve offered too much support for something, I feel it in my stomach. It’s kind of like butterflies, if the butterflies were hung over and scrambling for a non-existent exit. Most of the time, thanks to these disoriented butterflies, I know immediately that I’m not actually comfortable with the task I’ve agreed to and may even try to course-correct before I get in too deep. More important than getting out of it, however, is understanding why we got ourselves into these situations so that we can practice keeping ourselves out of them in the future.

Submitted for the Consideration of the Midday Society:

The Inexplicable Truth of Butterflies or How Not to Get Stuck Doing What You Don’t Wanna

A recent example has nothing to do with work, but it still tangled up my gut nonetheless. My nephew asked if I would play Minecraft with him. We live many states apart, and playing games together online allows us to hang out. I sometimes get to play various games on Roblox with my niece, his older sister, and it’s always a fun time. My nephew had previously invited me to play Fortnite with him, but we gave that up since he was FAR better and I was holding him back from his usual play. That made this Minecraft request feel extra important to me.

There’s just one problem. I don’t want to play Minecraft. It’s not my kind of game. I know it’s beloved, and I’ve watched friends and loved ones play and explore and build. It’s just not for me. But I didn’t tell my nephew that. Instead, I just looked into downloading it, and told myself I could probably learn to like it.

Then, I realized that he probably had extensions and add-ons that I would also need to get to be able to play how he does. So I decided to pivot, I started looking up other games we could play together on our Nintendo Switchs. I sent him some trailers on YouTube so he could watch and see if he was interested in them.

Do you know what my brilliant nine year old nephew said? “Aunt Tati, I don’t really want to play those games.” My butterflies suddenly perked up and I said, “thank you for sharing that with me. To be honest, I don’t really want to play Minecraft. Do you think we could find something we both want to play?” He said, “sure!”

Genius.

While speaking truthfully about what I'm interested in taking on at work is more practiced for me, it’s clear that I still have places to grow in speaking up for myself. Here are some practices to help keep those inebriated butterflies in check when you’re faced with an opportunity to act on a personal boundary. 

• Don’t commit right away
  • Most of the time, you aren’t required to commit to something right away. Give yourself a moment to consider what you want.
    • If at work, you could say, “I just need to double check my other priorities, but I’ll let you know by end of day”
  • You can also consider what level of involvement you would be ok with and offer that instead.
    • Ie. “I can’t commit to running the project, but I’d be happy to offer support in compiling the findings into a Powerpoint presentation.”
  • You can also say no. Saying “no” is enough.
• Be kind to yourself
  • One of the best practices we can get into the habit of is listening to ourselves.
  • If you are staying in your comfort zone, you may need to push your own boundaries, but it’s important to try to listen to and be kind to your feelings.
• Find the real source of your butterflies
  • Why do you feel you need to do this task? And why don’t you want to do this task?
    • For me, it was guilt. I felt bad that my nephew and I hadn’t found our game yet. I wanted to jump at his request so he’d know I care.
    • It wasn’t the task that made my butterflies appear - it was the game itself. The solution was finding a new game.
• Practice
  • If you took on a task that you didn’t want to, you can still practice how you would have said no or offered a different level of involvement for yourself.
    • Say it out loud, call a friend, practice in the shower, or while you’re refilling your tea kettle.
  • If you did speak up for yourself, but you wish you would have said it differently, practice how you would have said it.
  • Visualize the power of  your words in action. This is practice.